Wednesday, August 19, 2009

AbortionOrphan [2009]
Starring: Vera Farmiga, Peter Sarsgaard
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
1/5

Well fuck me sideways with a crowbar! this is some SERIOUS fuckery right here! All i've been hearing about is the THE TWIST in Orphan, but i wasn't sure what to expect from it, because some people were saying it's "surprising", others were saying it's "stupid". I figured i'd avoid spoilers and wait to see the movie and judge for myself........well....i saw it....and i'm gonna fucking judge this movie up it's A-HOLE!

Basically, the movie is about a married couple who adopt a young girl from an orphanage. The young girl seems intelligent and sweet in the beginning, but soon starts to show signs of WEIRD behavior and goes on a killing spree to stop her EVIL secret from surfacing. It's your typical devil child type of flick. The thing that everyone is saying MAKES or BREAKS the movie, is the girls "secret".

Now, before we get to the secret, let's talk about the rest of the film. It doesn't reach any great heights, it's very run of the mill, and all very predictable and silly. The movies strongest point is the casting of Esther, the little devil girl. The actress playing her is GREAT, but the character herself is a bit too over the top and unbelievable. In fact, i really wanted to slap that bitch down. Most of her "evil" deeds are rather lame, and at times, she could have been easily caught doing DEMENTED things, but no one seems to have their eyes open around her. We are forced to believe that she's THAT good at being a cunt, but in reality, she really wouldn't be.
At times the pacing is a bit slow and i didn't get scared once. So as far as "scary" movies go, this stays way on the bottom of my list. It's not scary. The movie is also a bit overlong, and the big finale does drag on a bit.

Now for the big TWIST! I won't reveal it in case some of you haven't seen the movie, but i will say, that this twist, is FUCKING STUPID. They take a fairly silly, but mildly enjoyable evil kid movie, and force their viewers to suspend belief BEYOND COMPREHENSION! Seriously, it's as if i shouldn't use my brain if i want to be able to accept the big reveal!
Not only is the twist itself ridiculous, but the plot holes surrounding the twist are MASSIVE. They asked WAY TOO much of the viewers to buy into this twist, in fact, i felt INSULTED that they even expected people to TRY and go along with such a dumb idea.
I felt like the Director was saying, "hey you, viewer, FUCK YOU!". Well you know what, FUCK YOU BACK CUNT!

This movie seems to be having a case of the "Twilights", people either love it or hate it. I for one cannot understand how anyone can accept this film without noticing how unbelievable the entire thing is. It's borderline retarded!

Orphan? more like ABORTION!

6 comments:

Marceyness said...

BEST REVIEW EVER

Mas OvaltinePls said...

What's the twist?
I don't feel like wasting 18 bucks on crap.

Anomaly said...

Ok, i'll tell you the twist....



The girl isn't a girl at all, she's actually a 33 year old dwarf.

Yes. It's true. LMAO.

Mas OvaltinePls said...

Are you serious? THat just creeped me out soo bad. I've got goosebumps, I swear.

What the fuck kinda twist is that?..

Anomaly said...

It's a fucking stupid one. This midget bitch dresses like a slut and goes and tries to fuck her "Father" and then we find out she's a horny 33 year old psychopath, lol!

Mas OvaltinePls said...

Shit, man. I googled it and read the entire storyline off of wikipedia.

Now horny midgets will haunt my dream.
Shitfuckkunt.